We’re convinced that extreme sex positions were created to make us common folk feel like we are failing at sexual intercourse and therefore, life. We’re all for adventure and experimentation in the bedroom, but does that have to involve getting penetrated while standing on your head? We think not. Considering that the longest we’ve ever held a headstand in yoga class was for, oh, about five breaths (and that was while balancing against the wall after months of practice), we don’t think we’ll be engaging in upside-down-sex anytime soon.
Check out a breakdown of 12 sexual positions that we know are completely impossible and why.
1. Pair of Tongs:
She is balancing on one arm in a side plank. He holds her waist. He straddles her bottom leg and penetrates.
Why It’s Impossible: If you’re not a master at side plank, or don’t have the upper body strength of Madonna, your arms are going to collapse or you are going to fall on your head the minute he starts pumping. Let’s be honest, he’s going to forget that you are in a precarious position the minute penis hits vagina and sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but side entry doesn’t always feel pleasurable.
2. Fire Hydrant
She in a tripod headstand with her legs bent and spread eagle while he does her from the upside-down, front.
Why It’s Impossible: For starters, most of the world can’t do a tripod headstand without hurting themselves. If you can, good for you, but can you hold it long enough to achieve orgasm? Can you hold it with your legs spread like that? Can he hold you up while he thrusts without giving you a spinal cord injury? These are a few of the questions that must be addressed before you try this one.
3. Head Spinner
He stands on his head with his legs in the splits while she wraps herself around his torso, scissor between his legs and balance in his armpit.
Why It’s Impossible: Look ma, no hands! Or not. There are so many logistical issues here. Starting with: you may be dating a professional break dancer, and he may be able to do some electric bugaloo bullshit, but he can’t balance hands-free and pump his upside-down dick in you while you’re balancing in his armpit. There’s this thing, you see, it’s called gravity.
4. Carnal Criscross
Him in-between her legs from behind while she balance on her side.
Why It’s Impossible: So let us get this straight, you are supposed to lay on your side, with your face smothered into the bed, your leg in an eternal lift while, what can only anatomically be his belly button, presses up against your asshole? No thanks. One minute tops before it feels like a knife is slicing through your outer thigh.
5. Bumper Cars
She faces away from him and bump butts as somehow, he enters her.
Why It’s Impossible: We can’t even figure out how his penis would get into any of your orifices. It’s too high for entry without bending. Logistically … impossible.
6. The Triple Lindy
He holds her in the air, from behind, while she balances on his penis.
Why It’s Impossible: The people on “Dancing With The Stars” can barely do this, and they don’t even have their genitals involved. Chances are about 100 percent that your grip is going to slip, you are going to do a face plant and fracture his penis in the process.
7. The Wheelbarrow:
She balances on her arms while he barely holds her with one hand and gives a thumbs up with the other.
Why It’s Impossible: Your elbows are going to give out in like 30 seconds, especially if you have to smell his socks. Why is he wearing socks? Ugh.
8. The Back Breaker
He levitates in mid-air while she sits on his penis with her legs hooked around his neck.
Why It’s Impossible: Nobody can levitate, not even your badass boyfriend.
She gets in a plow pose and he sits on her sideways and inserts his penis … somewhere.
Why It’s Impossible: Where is his penis going? In the vagina or the butt? Either way that’s going to hurt like hell. A grown man, putting his full weight on your lower back. We can almost hear our spines crunching.
10.The London Bridge
Someone gets in a bridge and someone sits on top of them.
Why It’s Impossible: These joint positions are completely unnatural for human beings. That, and we’d love to know the person who can hold a bridge with another human being sitting on their pelvis. That London Bridge … is falling down. And we haven’t even discussed how the penis and vagina would line up for penetration. Bloody ridiculous, as the Brits would say.
11. Pogo Stick
He holds her on his dick in mid-air, facing forward.
Why It’s Impossible: Do you have the abdominal strength to hold yourself in that position? Unless you are an Olympic athlete, NO. And even if you did, does he have the arm strength to keep you from falling backwards and cracking your head open? You know the answer.
12: The Ballerina
She balances on one leg with the other extended in the air while he enters her standing up.
Why It’s Impossible: Can you extend your leg that high in the air and balance without falling? Didn’t think so. We’d be having to work on our flexibility for our entire lives to make this come true. Attempting The Ballerina unless you’re “Black Swan” material would earn most of us a trip to the physical therapist … or worse.