While I’m sure a lot of my girls are holding in down in the bedroom, there could be a few things we probably need to address.
Men often say that it is hard (no pun intended) to have bad sex but ladies, please don’t pat your collective selves on the back. We have work to do! Let’s explore these common female frisky faux pas.
1. Dead Fish
The most common complaint I hear from men about women when it comes to sex is that some of them just lay there. They expect a man to just, in the words of Celie, “climb on top of me and do his bid’ness.” Ladies, please say it isn’t so! Now if this is you, let me be clear: he ain’t coming back if you just roll over and play dead. Unless there is some physical challenge you have that keeps you from moving your hips, then MOVE! If you’re not sure what to do, pretend like you’re dancing, find his rhythm and then match it. Now, if he’s a jack rabbit, that may be hard to do…and he’s probably not concerned if you’re not moving anyway because he’s moving too fast for the both of you. But if he’s got a nice, smooth, sensual flow going, then go with him! Don’t just assume that your pretty face and hot body are enough to keep him interested sexually, because if you’re just lying there, it won’t matter. He’ll never come back for more.
If simply laying there motionless is bad, laying there silently is even worse. Men like to know that they’re pleasing you and their egos can’t handle you lying there without so much as even giving them a grunt or a moan or something. He’ll be thinking, “I wonder if she’d rather be watching TV?” Maybe you are laying there wondering when he’ll be finished, but that’s when it’s really your turn to speak up. If you’re not satisfied sexually, tell him what you like and either show or explain to him how to do it. There is no excuse for any grown A$$ woman in 2013 to not be getting hers sexually, so if he’s wack in bed, you are partly to blame if you don’t speak up. Believe it or not, most men welcome – and are turned on – by a little guidance and direction. By not giving him any feedback, you’re just allowing him to think he’s doing something, and you’re short changing yourself in the process. It’s not about criticizing him, it’s about telling him what pleases you so that you both have a great experience.
3. No Adventure
Okay, so you move and talk a little bit but missionary is about as far as you’ll go. For some men, that may work just fine, but for others…that simply won’t do. He may love you so much that he’ll tolerate your lack of creativity but if you really want to get things poppin’ in the sack, try a different position, talk dirty to him or have sex somewhere other than the bedroom. Spice it up a bit! I know some of you “good girls” might be thinking “eewww! I can’t/won’t do that” but trust and believe, there is another woman out there who will. Now I’m not suggesting that you force yourself to do something that is totally uncomfortable for you or that makes you feel degraded, but simply open your mind up to new possibilities. Don’t turn your nose up at his fantasies or call other women sluts because they like to get down a little differently than you do. Instead, figure out what boundaries you’re willing to cross and then take notes. Watch an adult video to get some ideas. Whatever you do, don’t allow your sex life to become routine.
4. Mismatched Libidos
While I have yet to meet a man who would turn down sex, that’s not the ONLY thing a man may want from you. If you want to jump your man’s bones and he says he has a headache, don’t take offense, get angry or pout. He still loves you, he just wants to relax. Don’t act like you don’t know what that’s like. Some women make the mistake of thinking that men want sex all the time or that he should always be up for it when you are; that’s not the case. While sexual chemistry is definitely important, it isn’t the beginning and end of a relationship – give the man a night off! It doesn’t mean that he’s cheating or doesn’t desire you anymore unless, of course, his disinterest in sex is sudden and unexplained and he otherwise NEVER turns you down. Use your instincts on this one, but just keep in mind that a man is not like a toy that you can crank up with batteries and be ready to go when you want him to. That would be nice though, wouldn’t it?
5. Body Issues
If you are unhappy with your body and are self conscious about your love handles, pooches or droopy breasts, he will probably feel weird too and that’s not hot. Don’t be one of those women who has sex with the lights out or under the covers so that he can’t see you; own your body and embrace your imperfections. If you can’t do that, then do something about it. Hit the gym, eat right and boost your self esteem so that you don’t carry your body issues into the bedroom with you. Chances are you’re probably not really “hiding” anything anyway so if he already wants to have sex with you, he already knows what you’re working with. How you carry yourself is what makes you attractive, so work what you’ve got with confidence and rock his world!
6. Body Odor/Functions
Okay, I know you all know this already, but it needs to be said anyway. Ladies, keep it clean, shaved, trimmed, polished, whatever you need to do to maintain good hygiene. This may mean different things to different women, because some like it hairy, some like it clean of hair – whatever floats your boat. Just make sure everything is “right” down there before you get busy. I know during certain times of the month things might not be as “fresh” as it they could be so pay attention to your body and be a lady about it. Unless you know he’s into that sort of thing, don’t assume a man wants to have sex when your “Aunt Flo” is in town. That could freak him out and nothing traumatizes a man more than his sheets looking like a crime scene when you’re done. If he’s into that though, just lay down some dark colored towels and keep it moving. Well, that’s what I heard.
If your man is lucky enough to be blessed with oral pleasure, remember rule number one: NO TEETH. Even if they just “graze” him, that could make for a very unpleasant experience. Unless you have dentures, you can’t take them out, so I realize teeth-to-skin contact might be a hard thing to avoid. It simply may take practice, but just be careful. You’re handling delicate man parts when engaging in oral sex, so treat it like ice cream, not a hot dog. And if you have fangs or braces, take EXTRA care…no scraping allowed.
8. Ignoring the REST of His Body
While it may seem that the only part of a man’s body that needs pleasing is between his legs, men have other erogenous zones as well – and he wants you to pay extra attention to them. Guess what ? Men have nipples too, and they are just as sensitive as ours when it comes to hot spots. So pinch them, kiss them, lick them. Take a trip around his body and explore a little bit. Ask him to show you his favorite spots and then tease him during foreplay. Yes, that’s right…I said foreplay. It isn’t just for us, it’s for him too. We wouldn’t want a man to just focus on our woman space, so do the same for him. Now if your man is the “get straight to business” type, then by all means, ignore everything I just wrote. But I’m willing to bet he’ll enjoy you wandering around his body a little bit longer before going in. Literally and figuratively.
9. Expecting Monogamy After Sex
For a lot of women, sex is the ultimate form of intimacy, and we expect that if we give a man our bodies, then he will give us his heart. WRONG. Not saying all men are “hit it and quit it” type dudes, but unless you’ve had a conversation about your relationship and expectations, don’t think that sex automatically makes him your man. If you’re trying to use sex to manipulate or “trick” him into catching feelings for you, you’ll be in for a rude awakening. If you’ve already managed to catch feelings for him, you should probably hold off on having sex with him until you know his feelings are mutual. Otherwise your feelings will just grow more intense after you have sex with him and you will be in a very bad place. Be honest with yourself about where your relationship truly stands and make sure you’re having sex for the right reasons. If you have a motive, then check yourself, because it could backfire on you. Sex is just sex, until you have the talk.