9 Reasons Handjobs Are So Awkward

handjobWhile these can be considered a sex act most men will enjoy, it can get pretty uncomfortable real fast.

Read on to see how…

1. They’re physically awkward to give.

Your hand is at a weird angle and you’re definitely gonna cramp up. Even though you’re a regular at the gym, your biceps are tired three minutes in. It’s something about that angle! About five minutes in, your thumb starts to ache. It’s not supposed to be in that position for so long. This is just all bad!

2. You know he’d rather be getting a blow job and you’d rather be doing anything else.

Those are just the facts

3. He can do it better himself.

Boyfriend has been going to town on his own ding-dong since before time; don’t you think the only hand qualified to give him some love tugs is his own? Also I apologize for that entire sentence. He knows what he wants, so let him give it to himself. That’s love!

4. They’re half-assed.

It’s like, why not just skip the sexy stuff tonight and do it tomorrow when you both have more energy? Doesn’t cuddling in front of a movie sound so much better than trying to shake his dick into submission of a half hour?

5. Your hand is a dry claw coming to tear his penis right off his pelvis.

Of course it’s not, but one wrong motion and your engagement ring is ripping off swaths of pubic hair as you traumatically yank his dick in a figure 8 motion. So sexy.

6. Where do you look?

Thought process: “I’m making eye contact. Is my eye contact too extreme? I’m looking at my hand on his penis. OK, that’s hilarious. What’s next? Staring at the wall. Is that a dirt smudge? Or a booger? How the fuck did that get there? OK, back to awkward eye contact.” Repeat forever.

7. Are you supposed to use lube? Spit?

I don’t know! Nobody prepares you for these things!

8. They just look dumb.

There’s a reason the Shake Weight is the most embarrassing thing ever. Because it looks like a hand job. And hand jobs are hilarious to behold. That’s just science!

9. It reminds dudes of the lonely masturbation festival that is high school.

Of course, that’s not always a bad thing. Or wait, maybe it is.

Cosmo

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